Thursday, May 1, 2008

Finding a religion

I hope that no one will be offended with what I have to write today. I'll probably mention Jesus and the Church many times but please do not get me wrong.I love Jesus and what his life stands for.I also love almost all religious institutions save those who exploit the weaknesses of others.

My dear mother found Jesus when she was pregnant with me and subsequently became saved.All through her labour with me she recounts "I just called upon the name of the Lord ". I was a very sickly child and prayers were all that got me through my childhood.(I still sometimes believe that I am meant to die young but thats another story all together).My sisters and I were raised to pray and sing and praise G-D in all we do. When I was ten and could comprehend the enormity of the Sunday sermons I became convinced I was going to Hell. It was as if the preacher had singled me out when he roared " You who have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of G-D,you who have had impure thoughts,you the sinner,you must repent".Shaken and having clear flashbacks of all my sins,how I had pulled my sisters hair,watched an age-restricted movie without my parents permission(DIRTY DANCING! no less) how I had lied about doing my homework . Suddenly it became clear to me ,I was that sinner,I had fallen short of the Glory of G-D,X marks the spot and I was it.I noticed but chose to ignore the drones of people who made the alter-calling,I felt my feet lift from the ground and made my way to the alter and stood amongst my kind,the sinners. We recited the "Sinners Prayer"(which you can google) and one for were blessed. People around me drop like flies and I was convinced I was going to die.The Pastor laid his hand on my forehead and pushed gently at first but then with a greater force,he prayed and prayed and I stood steadfast waiting to fall,waiting to die(I was later told the people who lay on the floor were slain with the spirit,slain being the operative word).When he had given up the hope of me collapsing he moved on and I walked back to my seat,My mother flushed with excitement.I had been saved,my fathers face as stern as usual.I went back to my seat sorely disappointed now sure that I was saved and hoping that the sermon would end soon.

Who am I?

Where do I begin?During my childhood I was a daughter,a sister,the middle child for almost 13 years,a pirate,scientist and the voice of my Barbie dolls. I said what they couldn't and what I would never dare,it was a fair deal all round. Through my teenage years I was a liar,a dopehead, a loner,an uncover spiritualist,reader a really smart kid who purposefully got bad grades.(smart is not cool).I kissed a lot of boys who all left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.I always wanted to have a real run in with the law,which never happened much to my dismay but I was an avid storyteller(liar) and I've spent a week in one of the city's most feared prisons.I'm sure my high-school friends recount to their new friends colleges and even perhaps their kids about the girl they who got caught doing a drug run and spent a week in Pollsmoor. I've long forgotten the story I told but its funny how I'm dead certain the lie lives on. I have always been deeply religious.For many years I was a strong Christian or I tried really hard to be.Church twice a day on Sundays and Sunday school until I was 13. I repented my sins every night and gave my heart to Jesus when I was ten all in the hope it would save me from eternal damnations.I still struggle with visions of the Hell fires .Thats all from me today.